What's like a rollercoaster but even less fun?
Navigating the super low lows of PMDD and the super high highs of trip planning
The first week of May was miserable. I hate to say it, but it’s what I fixate on most when I reflect on the first half of this month. As a thirty-something, I didn’t grow up in a society that talks openly about women’s health, and I’m passionate about changing that (even if it means oversharing).
A couple years ago when I was seeking an ADHD diagnosis, I was also diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I dismissed it at the time, convinced ADHD meds were the primary concern (and at the time they were–I couldn't sustain a freelancing life without them).
But my PMDD symptoms have gotten worse over the last year–sometimes so debilitating I cannot leave my bed, cannot answer messages, cannot feed myself, cannot even send an invoice (it’s true–I didn’t send one of my invoices because it required too much math and effort). At one point I cried for about 20 hours straight, only stopping because I had to work at Goldspot.
And I know I’m not alone, which in some ways feels worse. No one really talks about this, at least not on a societal level, even though I know so many people who suffer through it. So many people trying different combinations of medications and hormones just so we won’t lose our jobs, partners, friends, lives, whatever.
I’m so lucky and grateful my partner and I made it through this last bout. We’re planning our trip to Europe next week (!!) and it feels like the greatest relief to have something to look forward to after the hell my PMDD-self put us both through for a couple weeks. I can’t even say “what a rollercoaster,” because some people enjoy those (not me) and the emotional toll of PMDD is incomparable to something people pay money for (again, couldn’t be me).
Anyway. There’s a lot of shame and guilt coming out of a luteal phase like that, which makes it hard to share. But I think the more we share, the easier it is for people to find support. And if we’re lucky, maybe one day the powers that be will even study women’s bodies and we won’t have to rely on each other’s anecdotal evidence or the occasional lucky circumstance of a psychiatrist who understands and believes you (shoutout to Dr. Nicole, the best psychiatrist in all the world!).
Now that my mental health has vastly improved, I can excitedly share some fun gear, adventures, and events!
Gear Testing
Per usual I’m testing a fuck ton of shoes and have a fuck ton more on the way (hit me up if you wear women’s size 7.5 and want a pair of gently used road running shoes!).
I’m pretty excited to test the new On Cloudvista trail running shoes, which came in all black and look like server shoes (and, frankly, have enough cushion and grip they probably could be). I ran 5 miles in them at North Table Mountain with Jon on Monday and found them initially comfortable, but need more miles to really see what they’re like. The new model still has a bunch of holes on the side of the outsole, so I need to take them somewhere with lots of loose rocks and sticks to see if that’s a problem.
As Jon and I plan our upcoming trip, I’m also thinking about what backpacking equipment, travel gear, and apparel I’ll want to test there. It’s likely going to be boggy and rainy for part of the trip–any guesses where we’re going?
Adventuring
If you guessed Scotland, London, or The Netherlands, you’re correct! Our next trip is less than a week away and I’m so immensely hugely prolifically stoked. Jon’s friends are getting married in The Netherlands, so we figured we may as well make a fun mini vacation out of it (we’ll be still be working). After debating the merits of a thousand different ideas, here’s what we’ve settled on:
Fly into London, take the train to Glasgow
Stay the night in Glasgow, then thru-hike the West Highland Way (WHW) (4-5 days)
Stay a couple nights in a CASTLE in Glasgow
Travel to Amsterdam and meet up with friends also going to the wedding
Celebrate Anna and Dillon!
Travel back to London, then home
It was a tough call, because a big motorcycle race is happening on the Isle of Man at this time, which Jon would LOVE to see in person, but the logistics proved difficult. We also wanted to thru-hike the Skye Trail, but logistics for that also proved too difficult this last minute. We contemplated Nice, France, we contemplated Prague, we contemplated the Azores. How do you narrow your options when a large chunk of the world is at your fingertips? Ultimately, we decided a backpacking adventure in the Scottish highlands would be an incredible experience, and the WHW seems both stunning and logistically easy for our last-minute planning.
I stayed in Glasgow a couple years ago when I solo traveled around Europe and knew I needed to come back one day to get out of the city and into the highlands (and to get more Tantrum Doughnuts). I also just learned I have a far-back direct relative on my mother’s side who was the 2nd Earl of Galloway and lived in Glasgow before eventually moving to the Massachusetts Bay Colony in the 1600s. Pretty wild!
Anyway, if any of you has hiked the WHW and has recommendations/pro-tips, please share! Or if there’s a must-do in the Glasgow, London, or Amsterdam areas, I’d love to hear that too.
Poetry
Probably the most exciting news is that my dear friend Tyler had her BOOK LAUNCH and it was BEAUTIFUL and perhaps my favorite poetry event ever. There's nothing like being in a room with a bunch of people all celebrating someone they love and their big accomplishment. It was like a wedding reception. Tyler worked so hard to create something so beautiful and I’m super proud. Check out her book, Too Pretty for Plain Coffee!
The Indianapolis Review recently published my book review of Kristine Esser-Slentz’s poetry book, Exhibit: an amended woman, depose. It’s my first published book review, and I haven’t read it because I’m convinced my writing is actually terrible now that it’s out there. So it goes!
Thanks for following along. Feel free to rant in the comments about how maddening women’s healthcare is and/or share your Scotland travel tips.
Happy invoice day, time to get paid so I can afford this trip!
Becca
oh my god, me and my daughtger was just talking abou this, how it was so bad for them in high school and we were going to the doctor’s so much and trying everything. Thanks for writing about this—Imma send it to my kid.